6 Steps To Stop Fighting Over Money

“For richer or poorer…’til death do us part”. It seems like just yesterday we said those words. But to be completely honest here, I don’t think we entirely understood what they meant when I said them. Not with all the  fighting over money we’ve done since then.

Follow my logic here for a minute. I married my wife because I love her (like the vast majority of you married folks out there). And of course, I was going to be with my wife whether we were rich or poor. (Spoiler alert: we’re not rich)

We understood where each of us was financially before marriage and agreed that our state of wealth or poverty wasn’t crucial before getting married. So, why do we find ourselves arguing about money after marriage?

Well, because it turned out that our richness or poorness itself wasn’t the cause for disagreement. After all, it’s hard to disagree over how much money we have in the bank.

But we did find ourselves disagreeing over our ideas on how to improve our financial situation, as well as our money stresses.

Said another way, my wife and I (and perhaps you and your spouse as well) don’t argue about where we are financially. Our money fights are usually about where we want to go next (our vision of wealth), and the things that stress us out.

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Where we’re going

If I had to call myself something, I’d call myself middle class. I’m sure by some people’s standard I’m rich. By other’s I’m poor. But whatever, let’s go with middle class.

The real question is, how do I improve my financial situation (which, let’s face it, needs improving)? Do I need to make more money?

I don’t know, maybe.

But the thing is, there are plenty of celebrities out there who made millions upon millions of dollars and where are they now?

That’s right, they’re screwed six ways from Sunday, and in a waaaay worse financial position than you or me.

On the other hand, there are some people out there who never made more than $15,000 a year in their entire lives, but they had a low cost of living, saved, invested, and they were disciplined with their money.

Those guys are now spending (or already spent…I’d have to check the obituaries…) their golden years with more money than they can shake a stick at.

So what should I do to improve my financial situation? Hustle my way into a 6-figure salary? Move somewhere with a lower cost of living? Be more fiscally conservative??

And how do I know when I’ve arrived where I want to be? When I can afford a bigger house, nicer car or a $500 haircut? Or maybe when my expenses have shrunk to fit my current paycheck?

I don’t know. But I’m sure if I gave myself a weekend to think it over, I could figure it out.

His goals, her goals

The real problem comes when I have to take my wife’s ideas into account. What if her idea of “arrival” is completely contradictory to mine?

She may think she’s arrived when she can afford to buy her parents everything they need.

Maybe arrival to me means being able to move where I want when I want with complete freedom.

To one person it could be being able to leave the 9 to 5 rat race behind.

Or maybe it’s just being able to get a good night sleep because you have no debt, your bills are paid, and food is in the fridge.

Whatever arrival means to us as individuals is one thing, but what it means to us as a couple is something more complicated.

Because the last thing you want is for you and your spouse to have completely different ideas on what “arrival” means and spend years fighting over money because you didn’t clearly define where you were trying to go.

Destination: Security and Freedom

“Ok, great. So my spouse and I should agree on our overarching destination, but we don’t. What now?”

In that case, I suggest you start talking again. I know how it sounds. But I believe it really is that simple.

It’s in both of your financial interests to make sure you’re rowing in the same direction. The only way to do that is to figure out what it is you’re both after.  

It might help to keep in mind that most (if not all) financial goals can be categorized as either a search for security or a search for freedom.

But it gets better than that. Because I believe, (correct me if I’m wrong in the comments below) that all of our financial goals are searches for security and ultimately freedom.

Because with financial freedom comes financial security. And we all want to be financially independent in the end.

Nobody wants:

• to be dependent on a boss for their income
• to constantly live paycheck to paycheck
• to feel like they can’t take care of their family
• to feel overworked, underpaid, and one bad day away from being out of a job

But a lot of us feel and live under that constant stress. (No wonder all those gray hairs are starting to appear).

That’s why we work towards financial freedom. To escape that stress. And since financial freedom might take a bit of time to achieve. We try to achieve some semblance of security in the meantime to reduce the stress as much as possible.

But the problem with couples is that your primary stressor may be different from your spouse’s.

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Money fights are mainly about stress factors

Earlier I mentioned that you and your spouse should talk about what destinations you’re both trying to arrive at. That’s what my wife and I did, and it helped us create a joint project that we’re both working on together (our blog).

We’re rowing in the same direction towards the same goal. They call it…synergy.

But what’s even better than talking about what you both want is talking about what you both don’t want. What stresses you out. Because that stress is what creates most money arguments.

My stress

And you know what stresses me out? Not having money to pay for emergencies like car repairs, medical visits and the like. If I don’t have a stash of emergency cash I can put my hands on I can’t rest easy. Because I know that something is going to happen and when it does it’ll be my responsibility to fix it.

How can I do that with exactly zero dollars and zero cents?

I’m trying to do the good and proper thing and create an emergency fund to take care of my family. Nothing is more important than that, right? So I’m sure you can imagine my righteous indignation when my wife always needs to spend the emergency money on something else.

Her stress

But my stress isn’t exactly my wife’s stress (because her perspective isn’t my perspective). Her stress revolves around her elderly mother. She’s always worried that her mom doesn’t have the things she needs and she wants to provide those things.

I mean, it’s only right that adult children help their elderly parents, right?

That was my wife’s position. And I must admit, it’s an excellent position to have. Who would stand in the way of something like that? Well, her husband.

I’m sure to her I looked like a stingy, block-headed, barbarian sitting there with a thousand dollars stashed in my sock drawer while her mother was in need.

Related Post: How You Lose Money With Your 9 to 5 Job.

Our stress

We both felt that our positions were good and just and that the other person was preventing us from doing what was right.

As you might imagine, that’s a recipe for a fight.

But the problem was that we forgot that our spouse genuinely cares about the same things we do.

The other person just had a different perspective. And maybe, just maybe, we both have a Chicken Little complex about the things that stress us out.  

After all, it’s not just my responsibility to take care of us. It’s our responsibility. And it’s not just her mother we have to take care of, it’s our mother. We’re in it together.

Talking about the things that stress us out the most prevented a majority of our future money fights.

Because we understood:

• the fears of our spouse
• our own tendencies to blow our fears out of proportion, and
• that we were in it together.

Money background

One last thing I’ll mention here is that our backgrounds play a crucial role in our finances.

Understanding that background can help you figure out why your spouse is stressed. It can also help you understand why they choose to pursue the things they do with money.

As an example, my wife is a caregiver by nature. She grew up wanting to be either a vet or a nurse (and if you don’t know yet she chose to become a phenomenal nurse).

So because of that background and personality she always wants to take care of people, and that costs money.

She’s also strongly against debt. Because she grew up in a poor environment with limited resources, she only ever had what she could pay for with cash (no credit was available). For her the idea of being in debt is alien and super stressful.

With that information, I can not only understand where she’s coming from, but I can prevent a lot of fights by taking it into account.

Know your spouse’s money background. 

Practical Steps you can take to prevent money fights

1) Recognize that your perspective is different

When you’re trying to solve or prevent money fights with your spouse, keep in mind that they have a different perspective than you. And that’s a good thing.

You don’t have all the answers. And it’s possible that the things you see as mountains may be mole hills in reality. Understanding that your spouse has a valid perspective and may occasionally be correct (*gasp*) will help you keep an open mind.

2) Realize that your financial goals are ultimately the same

Take into account that no matter how different you and your spouse’s financial goals may appear to be at first, your core desires are most likely the same. Security and freedom. We all want to reduce our money stress while having money to do the things we want.

3) Create a project together

Talk to your spouse and develop projects (i.e. side hustles) that will help you both achieve your financial goals. Working together towards a common goal will help get you on the same page. A blog is a fantastic way to do this.

A common project can help you be closer and empower the relationship you have with your spouse and work hard and grow together financially.

Creating a blog for us was one of the best things we did, and we highly recommend it to you if you want to start a side hustle with your loved one. If you feel motivated to do it. You can check our epic post on how to start a blog here. To start your own blog you can Sign up with BlueHost.

4) Share your stress factors with each other

Talk to each other about your financial stresses. Try to understand where your spouse is coming from and make sure their financial stresses are taken into account when creating the budget. (Even if you think they’re worried over nothing).

5) Be transparent

Both of you should be aware of what’s going on with the money. Be transparent and disciplined with your finances together. Track your spending and review it together.

One tool we use to keep track of what we spend is Personal Capital. More than anything it makes us painfully aware of where our money went and helps us fine tune our budget for the future.

6) Develop strategies to manage your money habits

Your spouse might be a huge techie who has a burning desire to buy all of the latest gadgets and gizmos. Perhaps you yourself are a fashionista who loves to buy clothes and shoes.

If left unchecked, these spending habits could keep you in debt or in the poor house.

But instead of forcing yourselves to fight against your tech and fashionista natures, one strategy is to create separate bank accounts. One for your allowance and one for your spouse’s allowance.

Allowance accounts will allow you both to buy the things you want, even if your spouse thinks it’s ridiculous. It’ll also limit what you can spend so you do blow through your entire bank account.

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Fighting Over Money – Final Thoughts

There are two main reasons why we get into money fights with our spouses. A lack of understanding of each other’s financial goals and a lack of understanding of each other’s financial stresses.

Understanding these things about each other will help you not only reduce your fights about money,  but will help you work towards your goals together.

And ultimately what every couple needs to work as a team is communication.

This is the most important part of getting on the same financial page with your spouse.

If you’ve taken specific actions to reduce money fights with your spouse, we’d love to hear how you did it in the comments below!

Thanks and cheers!